Me. At least after what I've been through.
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
