It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
