from now on my penis is your penis
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
