her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Randomize
