I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
