you traded sex for a burrito?
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Randomize
