i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Randomize
