he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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