I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
