I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
