So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Randomize
