I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Randomize
