I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
he thought i was a dude.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
