ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I need to sanitize my soul.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize
