Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
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