as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Randomize
