she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
