Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
