I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
