So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
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