dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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