I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
