I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
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