i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
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