Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
