The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
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