Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
