We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
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