the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
You don't make any sense
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