Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
So vagazzling was a success
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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