After last night, I could never be a politician.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
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