I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
i already hear my dad disowning me
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
