It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Randomize
