now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
