i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
