even my farts smell like vagina
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Boobs are out for the taking
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
