kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Randomize
