i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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