you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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