i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
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