my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
