Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
