Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
