Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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