I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
