Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
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