so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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