i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
