Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
