Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
