Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
3 2 1 whiskey
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
